In Part 1, I talked about the “Chair Deck” conspiracy and gave a confession of sorts. Well, I’m not done clearing my conscience since this week I’ll be setting the record straight once again. What did I do this time? It’s more like what didn’t I do.
The “New” Defenders Can Kiss My Ass
About a million years ago, I wrote a section of a design article about Marvel Team-Up titled “Marvel Team-Up Design: Defending the Defenseless – An Underdog Story” on the old Metagame.com. Within said article, I relayed the following:
We decided very early on to use the art to reflect and drive home the disparity between the A and B teams. Of course, silliness ensued. If you take a close look at the B team character art and compare it to the A team art, you will notice that in almost every single B piece, the character depicted is either:
Surrounded by enemies . . .
Running away from battle . . .
Or getting humorously overpowered by monsters or demons . . .
(That last one is my favorite.)
Now look at the big four. What do you see? No embarrassing fruit cellar shenanigans, let me tell you (except for 4-drop Surfer; we just couldn’t help ourselves). I know what you’re thinking: “These guys totally hate my favorite characters!” That couldn’t be further from the truth. Everything we attempted here was done with extra love and infinite respect for the fans of the comics and the game. We would never purposely defame any character (Clumsy Foulup) or any team (The Skrulls).
What utter and total bullshit! Excuse me a second, I need to take this call…
…sorry. Mom says, “Hello.”
Yeah, you get the picture, right? Do I need to draw you a diagram? IT WAS ALL ON PURPOSE!!! THE NEW DEFENDERS SUCK!!! I did my best to make them look as silly as possible in the art and mock them in the flavor.
Alas, I failed. The artists we hired were too good and barely anyone notices. Sure, a couple of you complained about them, but the general consensus was that we did them all justice. BAH! Anyway, here’s the proof, some art descriptions from 2006.
Setting: A random fruit cellar
Action: Gargoyle is surrounded by giant demonic tendrils that have erupted out of the ground. They’ve wrapped around the Gargoyle and are pulling him down into the depths of Hell. More tendrils whip around the cellar, knocking jars from the shelves. Gargoyle resists valiantly, but he is definitely screwed.
Keywords: Surprise, Desperation, Embarrassing Death
Setting: Tar Pits
Action: Angel is trapped in the tar pits. His wings are covered in the black goo, which keeps him from escaping. Tar Monsters are closing in fast. Angel is going to die. For sure.
Keywords: Nightmare, Worst Case Scenario, OMG Why Do You Suck So Hard?
Action: Iceman surfs on his ice slide right toward the viewer. Hot on his heels, fiery hell beasts claw along the melting ice slide. His body is dripping gallons amounts of water and the beasties are closing fast. He’s got no chance in hell! (HAH)
Keywords: Melting Snowman, Snowball’s Chance
Oh, here’s something else you didn’t know: at one point, we even considered cutting them all completely from the set since the “ass-factor” was so high. A Defenders team featuring just Namor, Hulk, Dr. Strange and Silver Surfer would have been just as great, if not infinitely more awesome. Consider this, my stunned friends: What if The Big Four had received “Legend” treatment way back in Marvel Team-Up, similar to the Fantastic Four in Marvel Legends? WOW, I can feel the blown minds through the interwebs. So, if you’re a New Defenders fan, thank the gods… or Andrew Yip, but not me. I hate you and your irrational love for: Angel, Iceman, Brunnhilde, Devil Slayer, Gargoyle, Hellcat, Sam Parrington, Nighthawk, Beast, and Iceman.
So, in conclusion: I am a lying liar. Nothing I say or write is ever true. Fair warning.
I feel so MUCH better now. Short and sweet, baby! I’m off to see The Dark Knight, so if you have any questions or constructive comments leave those below and I’ll answer every single one personally. If you want to bitch about your love for the New Defenders, you can shoot me an e-mail at: idontgiveashit@HAHAHAHA.net.
Oh, and that stupid Howard the Duck art? That was me. HAH.
Howard the Duck
Setting: Sidewalk, New York – Day
Action: Howard the Duck in the center of the image, facing the viewer. He’s found himself lost in a sea of New Yorkers. All these tall, funny looking humans: pushing him, smacking him, crushing him. He’s crushing his hat over his head. His trademark cigar springs from his mouth as he gives out a frustrated cry, “WAAAAUGH!”
Keywords: Lost in the Crowd, Dark Comedy, Howard the Duck Sucks
(EDITOR’S NOTE: The treatment of the Defenders in Marvel Team-Up is in no way related to treatment that Alpha Flight received in Marvel Universe. I swear.)