Foilball’s Review Roundup #32 – THE GROANERS!

“Ah, I’m so lazy this week.” – Billy Zonos

Instead of doing the usual coverage of my twice-monthly DCBS shipment, I thought I’d split my remaining reviews into separate Roundups divided by overall quality: The Groaners, The Mediocres and The Gooders. This, obviously, is The Groaners. For those that have read the following books, yes, I feel your pain. For those that have not, yes, you dodged a bullet and your wallet thanks you.

Anna Mercury #2 (**): OH MY GOD. This one is awful. Forget every nice thing I said about the first issue. This series reads likes it’s based on an idea that’s 10 years old. You got me, Ellis. Oh, you bastard.

Dreamwar #3 (**1/2): Things are not looking up. Finally, we get some kind of explanation… well, no. We get Superman crying after Batman is killed, “Hal… Ollie’s dead. Why didn’t it matter to us? What are we doing?” Yeah, I’d love the answer to that one too. Please? Thanks. Oh, wait… Zealot killed Batman:

Justice League of America #22 (*): One. I hate the Amazo story from the opening arc. Two. I still hate it. Three. Why does every woman that Benes draws look like a total whore? Four. Black Canary serves it up fresh. Wait, that was awesome! Five. Red Tornado… don’t care!!!

The Programme #12 (-): To be honest, I skimmed it and then read the end. Of what I read, I have no idea what this book was supposed to be about and I don’t really care to ever know.

Runaways #30 (*1/2): It could have been worse. If you skip the first 15 or 16 pages, the wrap-up is kind of nice. My favorite/best part of this travesty? Finding out just how fucked up Nico has become.

Amazing Spider-Man #563 (**1/2): Note to Bob Gale – Stop telling cheesy jokes. This has been a message from your readership.

Superman #677 (*): Um, is this supposed to be in continuity? Superman talks like a fucking idiot! Misogyny? Check. Naiveté? Check. I mean, shit. The guy talks about his dog like a 7-year old would. How lame is this? I thought Robinson was this huge talent? And who the heck is this lame-ass Atlas character? GAH! I didn’t think it could get worse than the Busiek Superman run, but this one has shown me the error of my ways.

Superman/Batman #49 (**1/2): I’m surprised how bad this was as compared to the other 5 parts of this story. The end just didn’t work for me. I don’t buy Lana Lang trying to poison the earth with Kryptonite in order to force Supes to leave, never mind the fact that she has been behind this plot the whole time. This is just ludicrous to me. This story is definitely out of continuity. I don’t see Johns or Robinson paying much attention to this particular change in the Clark/Lana dynamic. Oh, but I did like that final page (with Batman inside that vault filled with all types of Kryptonite): Yep, Bats is a douchebag.

Trinity #3-4 (**): This book is boring. And ugly. Bagley doing DC characters just doesn’t look right. As much as I hate doing it, I’m dropping this book. Maybe if the plot picks up later, I’ll jump back in. For now, I’m just gonna ignore it. Sit it out like my pal, Superman.

The Ultimates #4 (*): I don’t know what bugs me more? The awful plot or the “ripped straight from cheesy movie” dialogue? “Come with me if you want to live.” Really? REALLY?!?!

Uncanny X-Men #499 (**1/2): I loved the first 4 parts… this was a jumbled mess. The A and B plot did not sync up well, every cutaway was painful, and the revelation that the mysterious hippie woman was Mastermind’s daughter was actually a non-event. Meanwhile, back in Russia… their faces: priceless.

Wolverine #66 (*): MOST OVER-RATED BOOK OF THE YEAR. Everyone is literally jacking off into each other’s mouths over this one… I just don’t see it. This book is atrocious. So atrocious, someone needs to give it a red power ring. DING. I mean, BIG DEAL, Millar is adapting “Unforgiven” and using Wolverine to play the role of William Muny. I don’t care! Why!?!? Why is this a good idea? (And I like westerns…)

X-Men: Legacy #213 (**): Are we ready for some super-retcons? So, let me break this one down: Mr. Sinister has a machine that in the event of his death will transfer his essence into the body of Professor X? 

And on that note… I’ll post The Mediocres tomorrow, maybe. Hey, it’s the Fourth of July, I may be busy. Like, drinking and stuff.

8 thoughts on “Foilball’s Review Roundup #32 – THE GROANERS!

  1. Well, I only read three of these books. I read Ultimates, yeah it wasn’t that good. You’re still too harsh, but I didn’t recommend this one either.
    I read Wolverine and I loved it. Jesus Billy, you win the award for most vulgar comment in a review “Everyone is literally jacking off into each other’s mouths over this one”. Fuck me that’s dirty. Unless you’ve actually seen people do that over this issue, then I guess you’re entitled. Honestly when I read it, I loved it, but I thought a lot of people wouldn’t like it. But you’re right, every review I’ve heard or seen about it has been positive. I despise disagreeing with you because I’m aware of the consequences. All I’ll say is it’s too bad you don’t like it. Unforgiven is in this book that’s true. But he’s not adapting it that would be atrocious. It’s just one of the influences for this story. It’s also influenced by Frank Miller’s Wolverine, Barry Windsor-Smith’s Wolverine, Mad Max, and Lord of the Rings. I just see it as a little homage to each of these influences that is getting mixed together to create an entertaining book that’s beautiful to look at. I’m having fun with it, which is what you’re supposed to do with a Wolverine book. I’m sure you’ll have fun giving me shit over that.

    I read Uncanny X-Men. Yeah, that wasn’t good. I told you it wouldn’t be good man. The other issues were decent but in the end it sucks. Why must Brubaker be so good on Captain American and mediocre or worse on every other book? Hopefully Fraction will make the book better.

    I have a friend who loved Justice League, but I guess you hated it. Meh, I’m not going to read it either way. I read that series for like two years and it was really disappointing.

    Again, I had a friend who loved Superman/Batman but oh well. But c’mon Billy! That Batman thing sucked! I know why you liked it but that shit has been done over and over! Batman prepares to fight his friends, we know! There was a whole fucking arc about it let’s move on!

    Anyway, I shouldn’t be poking the beehive that is Billy but fuck it.

  2. Oh and I didn’t read that Superman thing but fuck that looks awful. Superman saying “lucky Kyle” about screwing Jade! Really?! Superman! Does that writer even know who Superman is?!

    Hooray for Johns and Morrison Superman!

  3. Oh and thanks for reviewing Trinity. Do you know why people love that book? I was maybe going to read it in trade, but not now. Thanks Billy.

  4. i’m positive the old Iron Fist team will be able to fix the sagging Uncanny title.

    re: JLA – the dialogue was really good, but the plot and art were BLAH!

    re: Batman thing – was only cool cus of the context and the way it was drawn. i didn’t scan it, maybe i should.

    yeah, Robinson’s Superman is unreal bad. here’s some more: “I got Lois and a good dog. What more can i ask for?” yeah, how dumb is that first sentence?

    i really wish trinity was compelling, but it just isn’t. sadface.

  5. I think the point of The Programme was something like, “America is fucked up… and the government wins.” I think <_<

    I think what impressed me most about Wolverine (I guess I’m one of the “jackers”?) is how much of the story is told by the art. I always like that. Oh, and that and I’ve never seen Unforgiven, so I get to dodge the ‘derivative’ bullet. 😉

  6. Dude, prof, go watch Unforgiven right now!

    Yeah Billy, Robinson has apparently never read a Superman comic. But just wait, he’ll probably write a Superman movie in a year or two.

    Yeah you cruel hearted bastard that scan was a bit troubling. Thanks for thinking of me. I usually like Keith Giffen too, but apparently he’s crazy now.

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