James Robinson’s Full Script for “JLA: Cry For Justice”

Warning: This is not for the easily offended.  That James Robinson is quite the perv.  Anyway, here’s the original script in it’s entirity:

(Scene: Gotham City – the city of corruption and carnival treats.)

Ollie: Damn, Hal!  You sure told those bitches off!

Hal: Fuck yeah!  I rule.

Ollie: I could sure go for a funnel cake right now.

Hal: Gotham City - Land of corruption and fried dough.  I have a confession to make.

Ollie: If it involves you getting Huntress and Lady Blackhawk drunk and taking advantage of them, I’m all ears.

Hal: You know I shagged them!

Ollie: I know.  All the boys at the Hall of Justice were talking about it.  Those Birds of Prey are easy once you get a few drinks in ‘em.  Even Metamorpho got freaky with the one in a wheelchair.

Hal: Mmmmm.  She’s a red head.  You know what they say about red heads…

Ollie: So, who was the best lay?

Hal: Let me think.  There have been so many.  You’d think it would be Power Girl.  But she just kind of lays there.

Ollie: The chesty ones always do.  And then they expect you to be all grateful cause they let you squeeze their boobs.

Hal: But what a rack, am I right?

Ollie: High five, bro!

Hal: I think the best had to be Big Barda.  Once you’ve gone New God, you can never go back.

Ollie: Holla!

Hal: And then there was Misfit.  Sure, she’s young.  But if there’s grass on the field!

Ollie: You old horndog!  Are there any Birds of Prey you haven’t fucked?

Hal: Hell to the no!  I’ve fucked ‘em all.  Sometimes two at a time.  One time the blonde in fishnets went down on me while Manhunter watched.  Let me tell you something, she was the freakiest one of all.

Ollie: The blonde in fishnets?!?

Hal: Yeah, what was her name?  It’s on the tip of my toungue…

Ollie: You mean Black Canary?!?

Hal: Yeah, that’s it!  That girl’s a screamer, let me tell you.

Ollie: You fucked my wife?!?

Hal: Shit, you married that bitch?

Ollie: I know!  What was I thinking?

Hal: Still bros?

Ollie: Forever and for always.

Hal: God, I hated Bruce Wayne.

Ollie: I know.  What a prick!

Hal: I’m glad he’s dead.  I mean, I respected him and all.

Ollie: Sure.  I hear he screwed Catwoman.

Hal: Catwoman’s no big deal.  You know they’re fake, right?

Ollie: Seriously?

Hal: How can you not know Catwoman’s boobs are fake?  Bruce bought her those so he wouldn’t feel like he was stuffing Robin.

(Scene: Two characters no one cares about are fighting on an island for no good reason.)

Congorilla: I hate you.

Starman: I’m totally going to kill you!

Congorilla: Not if I kill you first.

Starman: I’m tired.  Wanna take a nap?

Congorilla: Sounds lovely.  Let’s be friends.

Starman: But, our scene isn’t over.

Congorilla: I guess we could kill time talking about drinks. 

Starman: Odds are nobody’s reading our scene anyway.  Who the fuck are we and what are we doing on the Justice League?

(Scene: Back on the rooftop.)

Hal: Wah!  I’m cold.

Ollie: Hal, you have a power ring.  You fly in space.  How can your ass possibly be cold?

Hal: Oh, I forgot.

Ollie: I think someone’s on this rooftop with us.

Hal: Is it Jason Bard, Batman’s private detective?

(Wonder Woman steps from the shadows.)

Wonder Woman: Hello, boys.  I heard what you were saying earlier about some of my friends.  So I thought I’d drop in an see what all the fuss was about.

Hal: Hell yeah.  I always wanted to bag me an Amazon princess.

(Wonder Woman reaches for her lasso.)

Ollie: Ooooo.  Kinky.

(Wonder Woman wraps the lasso around Hal.)

Hal: Hey lady, I’m not into sausage parties!

Wonder Woman: Now that you are bound in my lasso, you will be compelled to tell the truth.

Hal: Oh shit!

Wonder Woman: Have you ever had sex with any of the women you were talking about?

Hal: N-n-n-n-no!

Wonder Woman: Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Ollie: Fight it, Hal!

Hal: (sobbing) N-n-n-never!

Wonder Woman: Have you ever had sexual relations with anyone?

Ollie: Don’t answer, Hal!

Hal: “Green Arrow” and I are lovers!  Black Canary is just a beard.  Ollie pays her to keep up appearances.  Every now and then, she lets him rescue her so he can look good.

Wonder Woman: I thought so.  I’ll see you at the next League briefing.

(Wonder Woman puts away her lasso and flies away.)

Hal: Are you mad, pretty bird?

Ollie: You know I can’t quit you, Hal.

(Scene: Ray Palmer feels sorry for himself at the Flash Museum.)

Jay Garrick: What the fuck am I doing in this book.  I’m so out of here?

(Jay runs off to appear in a far better title.)

Ray Palmer: The universe hates Ray Palmer.

Ryan Choi: Hey, Ray Palnmer.  I just dropped by to make sure everyone knows you’re still the Atom.  Not me.

Ray Palmer: You’re a hero, Ryan.  I’m just Ray Palmer.

Ryan Choi: Well, I’ve said all I’m allowed to say.  I’m leaving never to be seen in a comic again until Geoff Johns needs someone to kill off in a crossover.  Remember, Ray Palmer is the Atom now.

Ray Palmer: Ray Palmer is sad.

(Freddy Freeman shpows up.)

Freddy: Hi, Ray Palmer.

Ray Palmer: Ray Palmer knows you from a long-forgotten attempt to reboot the Teen Titans.  Ray Palmer explains continuity only to dismiss it as unimportant.

Freddy: You’re a hell of a guy, Ray Palmer.

Ray Palmer: Why does flying boy come to see Ray Palmer?

Freddy: Well, Ray Palmer, I just realized I’m in this freaking book.  So I figured I’d better show up eventually.  I beat Supergirl, didn’t I?

Ray Palmer: Ray Plamer wishes flying boy would not give away last page.

Ryan Choi: Look, Ray Palmer, if everyone is just going to go on calling you “Ray Palmer” do you think maybe I could keep the name, the Atom!

Freddy: Look behind you, Ryan.

Ryan: Oh good god it’s Geoff Johns!

(Geoff Johns rips Ryan Choi to pieces and makes a hat out of his bloody caracass,

Geoff Johns: Read Green Lantern!

Ray Palmer: Ray Palmer miss rare ethnic character in comics already.

(Scene: Hal and Ollie are blocking traffic with a pile of knocked-out bad guys.)

Hal: I didn’t even break a sweat.

Ollie: That’s because we’re so awesome and they are so lame.

Hal: Kiss me, you fool!

(Ray Palmer and Freddy Freeman arrive.)

Ollie: What are you guys doing here?

Freddy: It’s almost the last page of the second issue.  Eventually, we have to be in the same place so we can all cry for justice or something.

Ollie: When you say “justice” I get moist.

Hal: You stay away.  He’s mine!

(The Javelin awakens and throws a javelin at the jealous lovers.)

(Close-up of Supergirl’s heaving bosom as the javelin shatters on her boobs.  Make sure you get a close-up of those teen boobs or I swear to god I will kill someone at DC!  I demand teenage boobies!)

Supergirl: Who throws a javelin?  Really!

Freddy: This must be the last page…

Supergirl (striking a pose) No, THIS is the last page.

(Make sure that on that last page we are looking up Supergirl’s skirt as much as possible.)

RANT: Justice League: Cry for Justice #2

I’m a Justice League fan.  My user ID over at the DC forums has been “JLAmember” since the early days of Grant Morrison’s run.  I’ve stuck with the League through some pretty awful times.  I even read that Claremont/Byrne story from a few years back!  (Those of you who read it understand what a sacrifice that was).

For a long while now, I’ve bemoaned the state of the regular Justice League title.  Brad Metzler got free reign on the book and turned it into his own personal playground.  He squeezed in everything he wanted to see changed in the DCU before dumping the book on Dwayne McDuffie.  By now, we all know how things played out from there.

When Cry for Justice was announced, I was jazzed.  The art looked great and I was excited to see what Robinson could do to revitalize the team.  Granted, the line-up was… quirky.  But I can live with any line-up if the stories are good.  And Robinson’s Superman run has only raised my expectations.

But then came that 6-page preview of Hal Jordan bitching.  I could not believe how bad it was.  Surely, this wasn’t the future of the League.  But it was no joke.  When Cry for Justice #1 hit the stands, the entire issue read like that 6-page preview.  I couldn’t even bring myself to write-up a review.

If you read the title of this article, it’s labeled as a “rant” and not a “review”.  That’s because once again I can’t find the inner fortitude to write up a proper review of this issue.  It’s better than the first issue simply because Hel Jordan doesn’t get on his high horse and lecture the Justice League for 6 pages.  But, that’s true of just about every Justice League comic book I’ve ever read (including that Claremont/Byrne vampire story from a few years back!)

What you get with this issue is another 20 or so pages of “the team coming together”.  Unfortunately, it’s filled with more of the laughably bad dialogue from last issue.  How do you even begin to review stuff like this:

Hal: Ah yes, Gotham.  The sweet smell of corruption and cotton candy.

Seriously, WTF?!?  Cotton Candy?  After decades of seeing Gotham City in comics, movies and TV, never once did I imagine it smelled like cotton candy.  Next panel:

Hal: I have a confession to make.

(Me: Oh boy!  Here we go again!)

Ollie: If it involves you, the Huntress, Lady Blackhawk and a bottle of grappa, Dinah already told me.  And all I have to say is “well played, sir.”

Seriously, WTF.  But they don’t stop there.

Ollie: Everybody heard about it — from Man-Bat to Metamorpho.  And Rex Mason was quite the lothario before he turned all weird looking.  So for him to be impressed took some doing.

Hal: I’d rather be known for the plans I flew.

Robinson manages to make Hal look like a bigger pig than Ollie in one panel.  Amazing!

Hal and Ollie go on to talk about Gotham for a few more pages.  Somehow, they manage not to bring up the smell of cotton candy.  But the weird dialogue continues.  Next, we get Starman and Congorilla battling to the death.  No explanation is given as to why, but both characters make their bloodlust known.

Then they get tired and stop fighting.  They both decide to put their battle to the death on hold for a few seconds while they catch their breath and talk about… cocktails.  A few pages later and Congorilla is quoting “Casablanca”.  Soon, the two are best buds and flying off to who knpws where.

Back on the rooftops of Gotham, Batman’s private detective Jason Bard shows up and points Hal and Ollie at a collection of bad guys who are working for Prometheus.  Hal and Ollie refer to each other as “Green Lantern” and “Green Arrow” in quotation marks.  Cute, huh?

Next up is Ray Palmer and Jay Garrick (what is he doing in this book anyway?).  They both say “Ray Palmer” a lot because Robinson seems to love it when people say “Ray Palmer.”  And Ray Palmer throws himself another pity party because the universe hates Ray Palmer.

Then Freddy Freeman shows up because he’s on the team and he hasn’t shown up yet.

Freddy Freeman and Ray Palmer actually discuss the breif time they were on the Teen Tians together.  Ray Palmer comments that it feels like that almost never happened.  That’s because DC has been ignoring any comic book from the 90s in which Superman didn’t die.

Back in Gotham, Hal and Ollie are literally standing on the bodies of the second-string villains they defeated and gloating about how easy it was.  Then Freddy Freeman and Ray Palmer show up.  Surprisingly, no one says “Ray Palmer” for two whole pages.  Instead, they say “Justice” a lot and Ollie confesses a man-crush for Freddy.

Then, the Javelin (who?) gets up and throws a spear (or javelin I suppose) just in time to poke Supergirl in the boob.  Supergirl knocks him out and poses for the final page because she is also on the team.

The story is over, but you still get several pages of text in which Robinson talks about Ray Palmer.  There’s also a two-page origin story just like the ones we got in the back of 52.

Please, don’t let this be the future of the Justice League!

read/RANT