Review: Captain America #49

(***1/2)

I loved every minute of it, until the end.

“The most important issue of Captain America since issue 25 is finally here!”

That’s from Marvel’s solicitation. That is complete bullshit. What we have here is a wonderful issue starring Sharon Carter. Bucky isn’t in here at all, which is great for those of us who don’t like that guy. What’s included here is the realistic, Sharon Carter POV juxtaposed with some psychedelic nightmares. It’s fascinating. We also check up on Sam Wilson and “Bad Cap” (That’s his official title now). There isn’t any action at all in this issue, and that’s fine. What’s not fine, however, is the retelling of the events in issue #42. If you’ll recall, those events were shrouded in mystery when they originally occurred.  Considering Marvel’s promises and the storytelling logic of “Don’t show the same event twice unless you’re revealing something”, I thought we were finally going to get some answers. NOPE! You have to keep reading folks!

I loved every minute of it, until the end.

Review: Incognito #3

The team of Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips rarely disappoints.  Sleeper set the bar pretty high for superpowered noir, and Criminal maintained a consistently high caliber throughout its existing stories, easily becoming the best crime comic on the shelves.  Incognito is their most recent outing, and three issues in, it’s a doozy.

The story is simplicity.  A major supervillain goes into witness protection after a shocking betrayal, but finds that he just can’t quite cope with normal life.  The book maintains a darkly comedic tone throughout this issue as we meet a number of Zack’s old compatriots, criminals who now know where their snitch buddy is hiding, and see Zack’s already precarious cover story tumble into nonexistence.  It seems as though Incognito is moving far faster than it should, but that may be part of the charm – each issue, and this one more so than most, is packed with action, fresh faces, and new problems for out… hero?… and enough genuine emotion to keep us invested in Zack Overkill.

The art, by Phillips, is largely phenomenal, though it functions much better when he’s working in in a slightly dimmer, dirtier setting.  Compare the semi-cartoonish feel of the introduction of renegade criminal Ava Destruction at the book’s beginning as she stands in full daylight in the great outdoors, holding a futuristic laser pistol to the head of a former fed, to the book’s closing scene, featuring another new character met in a darkened apartment.  Nonetheless, it’s been quite a while since I last saw Phillips cut loose with some superpowered action scenes, and his work on this issue was top-notch.

Ultimately, despite the horrible things happening regularly in Incognito, the easy confidence of Phillips and Brubaker make it a pleasure to read, easy to enjoy and strangely easy to become invested in a man with very few redeeming qualities.

Grade: B+

Review: Captain America #46

(***1/2)

Ah, it’s nice to see Epting back on this book. I know there’ve been several (Four?) artists on this series, but Epting feels like the best fit for Captain America. I’m also happy to see the Invaders get some more focus. Just take a look at that cover. Though it looks like Namor and Cap are fighting (Is Bucky walking on water?), we comic book fans know how deceptive a cover can be. Yep, they team up in this issue.

Captain America is always a fine book. You all know that. If there’s ever a dip in quality, it’s usually minor. However, I can’t help but feel a little burnt out on this series. Yes, it’s always a good read, but this book has been near the bottom of my stack for months now. I don’t want a gimmick every month of course, but something has to be said about the lack of excitement. A great monthly should always leave you eager for the next issue. I’m not feeling that right now, but with issue fifty coming up, that will surely change.

Review: Daredevil #115

(****)

As I’ve said, Lady Bullseye has been one of Brubaker’s most entertaining Daredevil stories yet. Part 5 was indeed a satisfying conclusion. It’s not quite as epic as I had hoped a few issues ago, but Brubkaer still managed to set this story apart from the usual “Let’s destroy this hero” villainous plot. The characters actually address how often that’s been done.

The action scenes don’t look as good as they should, but I think my imagination filled out the gaps nicely. I’ve watched plenty of Shaw Brothers Kung Fu Movies. Michael Lark has done a decent job. However, it’d be nice to have a little artistic diversity in Daredevil. Ever since Alex Maleev did his thing, artists have tried to mimic his work on this title. It’d be nice to see someone like Ed McGuinness. Ok, he’ll never be on this book, but you know what I mean. Someone who can break away from the scratchy and gritty look we have now.

Lady Bullseye, The Hand, White Tiger, Black Tarantula, Iron Fist, old Zatoichi guy, and Daredevil caught in the middle. A good dust up, wouldn’t you say? If nothing else, Lady Bullseye has been a hell of a good time.

Top Ten Best Comics Of 2008

Better late than never, eh? This is my list for the top ten stories of 2008! Woo hoo! Now, before we get to all the fun of me voicing my opinions and you disagreeing with them, I have to get a few rules out of the way.

1. These are the top ten stories/arcs/whatever. Not comic in general, not trade, but best stories (What can I say, I’m trying to be somewhat unique).

2. These are stories that ended in 2008. They could begin at any time, but as long as they concluded in 2008, they’re eligible.

3. I tried to keep the list as diverse and reader-friendly as possible. I love certain writers, but it would be boring if it was three Morrison books, two Fraction books, etc. So a writer/artist will only appear once on the list. Same thing goes for characters. I’m not going to have a list made up of a bunch of X-Men comics or in the case of 2008, Superman books. Lastly (Sorry, #3 is a long rule), I tried to spread the love even when it came to companies. You will see Marvel, DC, and even indies on this list.

Wow, with all those rules, how did I come up with a great list? Well, I hope I did. Anyway, let us begin the fun!

10. Hellboy: The Crooked Man (Hellboy: The Crooked Man #1-3)

Written by Mike Mignola

Illustrated by Richard Corben

Publisher: Dark Horse Comics

I sound like a broken record. I’ve written for this site for about seven months now. In that time I have reviewed nearly every Hellboy comic. And over and over again I have to point out how wonderful Mike Mignola really is. It’s not just his art. He’s a terrific artist. What fascinates me more are his words. Though Mignola’s obsessed with the past, his comics constantly evolve. 2008 was a fantastic year for Big Red. A new movie that not only didn’t disappoint, it was better than its predecessor. A new comic actually drawn by Mignola himself, the start of the longest Hellboy journey yet and of course this little gem that I’m here to talk about. The Crooked Man, like most Hellboy stories, is deceptively simple. It’s difficult to express one’s love for Hellboy comics because they all have similar beats. Hellboy goes to some marvelous landscape. He encounters a mystical problem. He then beats the crap out of everybody until they fall down. But unlike most Hellboy yarns, The Crooked Man doesn’t take place in some faraway land. It’s set in deep Deliverance hick hell. It’s not about old artifacts or odd Guillermo Del Torro creatures. This is about the classic struggle between man and the devil. It’s about facing your fears and temptations. Hellboy is almost a supporting character for God’s sake! And of course who better to bring this horrifying masterpiece to life than Richard Corben. He’s a perfect fit for this book. The man is 68 years old and he’s still pouring his soul into his projects. This Hellboy tale is not to be missed.

9. Joker (Original GN)

Written by Brian Azzarello

Illustrated by Lee Bermejo

Publisher: DC Comics

Available here. Do you want to see the bloodiest and most brutal Joker story ever? This is it. Joker is a gritty crime graphic novel that’s all about the titular character through the lens of sanity, Jonny Frost. Lee Bermejo spent two years working on this project. This book looks perfect. And in a Joker comic that means the book looks like hell. Bermejo and Mick Gray share the inking duties. Gray has a softer look while Bermejo has a terrifying painted effect. I began to dread Bermejo’s inks as it meant something gruesome was ahead. Azzarello throws us into a mad dark world with realistic versions of classic Batman rogues. The Dark Knight does appear but he only says three words. This is a fascinating yarn and the fact that Bermejo’s Joker mirrors Ledger’s makes it all the more creepy.

8. The Walking Dead: Made to Suffer (The Walking Dead Forty-Three through Forty-Eight)

Written by Robert Kirkman

Illustrated by Charlie Adlard

Publisher: Image Comics

Collected here. The Walking Dead is a comic that suffers in this format. In fact, I even feel uneasy putting it here because it doesn’t really have arcs. Walking Dead is one giant story, but it deserves to be on this list. For several years it’s been one of my favorite comics for its character exploration in a brutal and harsh situation. Though this story does contain one of this series’ few blunders (The return of the character you see on that cover), it was undeniably excellent. Testing these poor characters once again, Kirkman created the most suspenseful story of the year. The amount of hell inflicted on these men, women, and children was unsettling and powerful. Clearly, this is a landmark in a fantastic monthly book.

7. Northlanders: Sven the Returned (Northlanders One through Eight)

Written by Brian Wood

Illustrated by Davide Gianfelice

Publisher: Vertigo

Collected here. On the back of the trade (That’s only ten dollars! Eight issues for ten bucks is so awesome) there are quotes comparing this tale to Conan and 300. If that’s what you need to hear then I’ll agree with that comparison and even throw Braveheart into the mix. But really, this is the classic tale of the man born in the wrong time. It’s more than the modern language (You like the F-word right?) and evil uncle (That brings Hamlet to mind). Sven is a modern man trapped in a society based on dying with honor. Would you charge an army of one thousand if you were alone? I don’t think so. Yes, on the surface this is an enthralling adventure with Vikings, boobs and blood by the barrel full. But beneath the flare is a classic tale with a fantastic and unexpected conclusion.

6. Scalped: Dead Mothers (Scalped #13-17)

Written by Jason Aaron

Illustrated by R.M. Guera

Publisher: Vertigo

Collected here. Dash Bad Horse and Chief Red Crow are incredibly intriguing characters even though they don’t have a lot to say. That’s one of Aaron’s strengths as a writer, he knows when to shut up and let his artist shine. Guera provides the usual rough style of art you’re used to seeing in these types of comics, but with a twist. It’s hard to put into words. You’ll just have to see it for yourself. Scalped, like Walking Dead, is an ongoing epic that’s hard to judge from arc to arc. But Dead Mothers is particularly amazing. And by amazing I mean heartbreaking. It’s hard not to spoil things, but Dead Mothers is about well, what do you think? Two people have lost their mothers and their murderers need to be brought to justice. But it’s so much more than that. Scalped is a crime western history epic filled with shocking twists and turns.

5. Black Summer (Black Summer #0-7)

Written by Warren Ellis

Illustrated by Juan Jose Ryp

Publisher: Avatar Press

Collected here. I dare everyone to read issue #0 (It’s one freaking dollar) of this series and not pick up the trade. It will pique your interest. Heck, you may have even seen this comic on the news if your town is small enough. Though it may be deemed by some to be liberal propaganda, you must remember this is written by Warren Ellis. It’s much more complex than that. This series is also enriched by the amazing and detailed visuals of Juan Jose Ryp. Though the story may devolve into a big action blockbuster (It does have summer in the title after all), I doubt you’ll find another blockbuster more thought provoking than this.

4. Criminal: Bad Night (Criminal Vol 2 #4-7)

Written by Ed Brubaker

Illustrated by Sean Phillips

Publisher: Icon

Collected here. I got into this book late, very late. I wouldn’t have believed it, but Criminal really is Brubaker and Phillips’ best work. I’m sure you’ve heard of this book’s general accomplishments, so that gives me the opportunity to talk about Bad Night specifically. The first volume (Coward and Lawless) offered crime stories that seemed familiar but were told well. Brubaker provided lovable baddies and established the mood and tone wonderfully. And as for Sean Phillips, there’s a difference between pretty art and art that belongs. One can be replaced and one can’t. Phillips belongs in the latter category. I can’t imagine anyone else on this book. Phillips’ quality continued in the second volume, but Brubaker stepped it up a notch. He began to tell more unconventional crime stories. Bad Night was his most experimental and his best to date. He demonstrated true noir. I’m not talking about the watered down crap you’ve seen in the last few decades. I’m talking about the gritty old-school, where every character is scummy. Bad Night is about lust, creativity, and obsession. Its finale packs quite a punch.

3. Punisher: Long Cold Dark (Punisher #50-54)

Written by Garth Ennis

Illustrated by Goran Parlov, Howard Chaykin

Publisher: MAX Comics

Collected here. This is the year that made all Punisher fans (And anyone who appreciates great comics) cry. Garth Ennis left the big scary skull dude. But still, even in the winter of Ennis’ Punisher years, he managed to produce some damn fine comics. In fact, Long Cold Dark and Valley Forge, Valley Forge are two of his best. Now, Valley may be a better story for those who read the whole series, but Long Cold is for everyone (Except maybe children, old people and the squeamish). The first issue is drawn by the legendary Howard Chaykin and the rest of the arc is cinematically rendered by Goran Parlov. This is fun, twisted, and full of no holds barred action. And I really do mean that. Barracuda (The big black guy, not the Heart song) returns and has a piece of Frank’s past with him. I won’t spoil anything, but it’s a hell of a plot device. Possibly the Punisher’s best villain finds a way to get under Frank’s skin. It’s a terrific and bloody ride. 

2. All Star Superman (All Star Superman #1-12)

Written by Grant Morrison

Illustrated by Frank Quitely

Publisher: DC Comics

Collected here and here. Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely are phenomenal. These two Scots collaborate again and again and every time they produce pure magic. All Star Superman is the best Superman story. Some would say that this is the only Superman comic one would ever need. To me, every Superman tale actually improves because of this. All Star Superman breathes new life into a seventy year old character. But this is more than nostalgia or a Silver Age throwback. It’s a unique and fascinating tale that’s extraordinarily memorable. Superman and Lois kissing on the moon. A man playing cosmic fetch with his dog. Superman saving that kid from suicide. Earth Q, the world without Superman. It’s all so beautiful. So if this is my #2, what the heck is my #1?

1. Casanova: Gula (Casanova #8-14)

Written by Matt Fraction

Illustrated by Fabio Moon

Publisher: Image Comics

Casanova, that’s what. I do not put Casanova ahead of Morrison’s Superman lightly. I put much thought into this decision and in the end, Casanova’s (Or is it Zephyr’s?) charm won me over. This book is purely transcendent. From its cost of two dollars to the fact that every issue is packed with more information, emotion, etc. than most mainstream six-issue arcs (And I’m just talking about Gula. The first arc, Luxuria, was even denser). Casanova is genuinely groundbreaking.  It won’t be as easy to recreate as something like The Dark Knight Returns which is why it will probably never receive the credit it deserves. And speaking of the Dark Knight, what sets Casanova apart from its genre defining (Or redefining) counterparts is its undeniable sense of fun. Casanova, on top of everything else, is funny! So please, each issue is only two bucks if you want the floppies (Which you probably should since each issue is filled with wonderful back matter from Fraction himself) and the first trade is a little more than ten dollars. Casanova is worth your time.

Honorable Mentions

Incredible Hercules: Sacred Invasion (Incredible Hercules #117-120)

This was the best thing to come out of Secret Invasion. Well, it wasn’t a great new series, that was Captain Britain. But it was the best story with the words “Secret Invasion” on the cover. Incredible Hercules is a fun, humorous and refreshing comic. Sacred Invasion features the awesome God Squad! It also contains the most shocking Skrull reveal ever (That was ruined on the cover of the trade)!

Superman: Brainiac (Action Comics #866-870)

Superman had a fantastic year. Along with All Star Superman, Geoff Johns wrote three wonderful Superman tales. Superman: Brainiac was my favorite. Gary Frank’s art is worth the price alone. He captures all the sci-fi, horror, and emotion perfectly. Superman’s ensemble cast also shines here. And those last few pages are heartbreaking. It’s too bad I couldn’t get Geoff Johns on the list this year, but with Blackest Night coming up, it’s a safe bet he’ll make the list for 2009.

Thor: Ages of Thunder (Thor: Ages of Thunder, Thor: Circle of Blood, Thor: Man of War)

The best Thor story in years, it explores the Thunder God’s early years. Fraction delivers some giant-slaying fun. If you’re looking for a good time with Gods, Monsters, and lascivious Odin, this book is for you!

Thunderbolts: Caged Angels (Thunderbolts #116-121)

I love this run so much. Why did I put Black Summer on my list instead of this? Black Summer isn’t well-known, Caged Angels is only half of the story, and Black Summer has complete creative freedom.

X-Force: Angels & Demons (X-Force #1-6)

This was on my list for so long. I do love it and isn’t that cover awesome? I figured I could only use one for the honorable mentions and that is by far the best. This is the dark and bloody version of the X-Men. X-Force also gives us a few continuity surprises. Clayton Crain renders some stunning images.

So there it is. That took a lot of time, so much so that we’re already in the second month of the new year (Time flies). I think it’s a pretty good list. I’m sorry Marvel fans. There aren’t any traditional Marvel comics on my main list (Though Punisher and Criminal kind of count), but at least you have my honorable mentions. Other than that, I think I spread the love, right? 2008 wasn’t that great for the real world (In fact, it was pretty horrible), but at least the comics were good.

Review: Captain America #45

(***)

First off, I’d like to apologize to the people who read my review of Captain America #44. I jumped the gun. I said that the mysterious figure was Death-Stalker. It isn’t, it’s the “man with no face”. Although this new character does look an awful lot like him, and given Brubaker’s love of old DD villains, it’s safe to say that the man with no face was at least inspired by Death-Stalker. And really Brubaker, could you please either change this characters name or get rid of him? I really don’t want to type “man with no face” in my future Captain America reviews.

Anyway, this is the conclusion of the Time’s Arrow arc. There was a definite dip in quality here. This is kind of Bucky’s first adventure as the established new Captain America (Until now, we’ve been dealing with the death of Steve Rogers) and I am not impressed. We see another villain’s grand scheme falling into place. This issue also features a reveal related to Cap’s past.

Luke Ross was the new artist on this arc. He did a decent job. A foul here and there, but for the most part his work looked dynamic. The real unsung hero of this book’s art department is Frank D’Armata. His colors have given this series a nice uniformed look. Thanks to him, the pencil changes aren’t jarring.

I have a few complaints, but Captain America #45 is still a good issue. It continues the theme of past and present. A previous battle and a present one are juxtaposed to demonstrate the difference between the way Winter Soldier operates and the way the new Captain America does. This series has always been solid and I hope that can continue in the next arc. “Onward and upward” as they say.

Bruce Castle Presents: Batman vs. Daredevil!

Batman #683 (****)

Morrison’s retelling continues. We get to see the shirtless Neal Adams Batman again. The world gets darker for Bruce. The issue ends promising the Dark Knight’s last adventure in Final Crisis #6, but as Morrison has proved over the last few years, Batman can’t die. Even in this issue, Batman continues to beat everyone. It doesn’t matter that Dark Space Gods are trying to screw with his brain, he’s Batman. He’ll always win. He can even make his enemies turn against each other. One of the many gems in this issue is an alternate reality where Bruce never dressed up like a bat. Do you remember that great episode of the 90′s cartoon? It’s kind of like that. Bruce is a bit of a pansy. He even gets conned. Oh, and something bad happens to Dick. Heck, the Joker doesn’t even exist. It’s kind of the Batman version of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. This is a fitting end to at least the first chapter of Morrison’s Batman epic.

Daredevil #114 (****1/2)

We’re half way there. I still don’t know how this will end. What I do know is that this is Brubaker’s best Daredevil arc. Matt continues to get dragged through the muck. There is no happiness. There is no hope. Every glimmer of happiness gets ripped away from him. He even thinks about living in a cave in this issue. Get away from the people he cares about and just be Daredevil full time. Will he lose Milla soon? Will he lose Dakota? And I haven’t even talked about his villain problems yet. Along with the main players, an additional cast of interesting characters are present. Heck, we even get a new villain. I’m still not sure how I feel about Lady Bullseye yet. All she’s had to be so far is threatening. At least she’s achieved that. So if you’ve thought about getting back into Daredevil’s whacky adventures, now is the time.

Bruce Castle Presents: Brubaker Books Come Together – Spoilers!

Captain America #44 (***)

Wow, this was the worst issue in a long time. Sure there are some cool things and it’s not bad, but there are a few things that bugged me. So this series’ (And Captain America’s) theme of the past continues. Remember that kid Bucky saved last issue? Well, in the 60′s as the Winter Soldier, Bucky tries to kill this guy. That’s fine. Back in the present now and business is usual. Bucky beats up guys for info, that’s also fine. We see another “mysterious figure” talking to Batroc. Really Brubaker, more mystery? Next comes the best part of the issue and it also gives Luke Ross a chance to show off. Bucky chases Batroc on a motorcycle and they have an awesome fight. That’s fantastic, but then a “mysterious figure” shows up. Back in the past, Bucky confronts that dude and someone arrives to defend him. Who you ask? Fucking Death-Stalker!? Really? Brubaker just brought back Mr. Fear in DD and now this? Why does Brubaker love old shitty Daredevil villains? I love DD, but his villains suck!

Daredevil #113 (****)

Brubaker finally hits his stride! Most of his DD run has been mediocre, but this arc and the last have been pretty great. How can you not love this stuff? Daredevil! Dakota North! Iron Fist! The Black Tarantula! The Hand! Lady Bullseye! And now in this issue, Zatoichi arrives! Ok, he’s not really Zatoichi, but he is a blind swordsman. What’s that? Another blind character? I really do hope Daredevil is printed in Braille. If you haven’t been reading this arc, it’s about the Hand taking away everything Daredevil cares about. That villain gag never gets boring does it? Lady Bullseye is still cool and she even fights DD in this issue. That’s pretty sweet right? Oh, and what’s the OMG ending? Lady Bullseye kills the White Tiger. Yeah, I wish it was somebody more important too, but at least it’s something.

Bruce Castle Presents: Brubaker’s Secret Secret Invasion Tie-Ins!

Captain America #43 (****)

Jeez, Brubaker is already referencing that fight in Secret Invasion #7? It just came out this week and that battle isn’t even over yet! It’s always a bit hard to review this book because how many times can I say it’s a solid series? It’s boring! So I’ll just talk about some random observations. We have a new penciler this time, Luke Ross. His work is okay, but thankfully the colorist, Frank D’Armata, is still on the book, so all the art on this book still looks the same. There’s an interesting scene in here when Black Widow is nude. Her bed sheet does weird things to cover her butt the entire time. It almost looks like Luke Ross drew Natalia’s ass and then Marvel covered it up. Seriously Marvel?! This is a teen book and you can’t show a bare butt?! That’s BS and to hell with Janet Jackson for making America even more sensitive to nudity. Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, Batroc, Captain America’s greatest villain shows up! Screw that Nazi Skull! Bring on the cheese-eating surrender monkey!

Daredevil #112 (****1/2)

The whole Elektra Skrull situation is in this issue. Does that explain my title? Can we move on? Good. Man, I think Rucka slapped some sense into Brubaker. Two issues in and this is already Brubaker’s best solo arc. There are so many loveable characters written well here. Daredevil (obviously), Dakota North (so awesome), Black Tarantula (remember how awesome that Blood of the Tarantula one-shot was?), and Iron Fist (um, yay)! You even have ninjas too! Oh, and Lady Bullseye is so much better than it sounds. She may even be respectable soon. If you bailed on DD, now is definitely the time to get back on the trolley!

Spoiler Review: Captain America #43

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, new and improved… BATROC the LEAPER!!!

…hah, right!?!

Top Ten: Comics That Work Best As Monthlies

Recently in the comments section of this post, I brazenly asserted that Batman, by Grant Morrison & Tony Daniel, fails as a monthly comic reading experience. Basically, I feel the plot is too convoluted or complex for easy monthly digestion, although I’m sure it’ll go down very easy in trade.

So, what makes a good monthly comic? A couple of things:

Comics that put “character” first!

Comics that tend to focus more on character than plot are inherently more readable as monthlies. When jumping into the middle of a six issue arc, its character that pulls you in and fills in the holes. With the exception of Fantastic Four, every comic on my list stars a single character.

“Done-in-One (or two)” Stories!

There’s no need to wait for the trade if each arc is only 1-2 issues long, right? Again, this type of story goes well with character writing. Since the plot isn’t required to sustain itself for 3-6 issues, it can be pared down and used primarily as a vehicle to reveal the titular hero’s character. Batman and Zatanna team up to stop the Joker!?! Reading that story you find that it’s not really about catching the Joker as much as it’s  about developing Bruce and Zatanna’s relationship. Also, without really sacrificing the overall plot, these “done-in-one” stories can be framed like TV episodes that when viewed over an entire season combine to reveal a hidden master plot. Think Buffy, Heroes, etc… As many of us know, it can be very intimidating for a new reader to jump onto a book with a long running story, so hiding the plot in this manner is a great way to eliminate that intimidation factor. It also allows the writer to integrate sub-plots with clearly defined conflicts into the background that can be slowly developed and brought to the forefront at a later date, as Mark Millar does in Fantastic Four.

Cliffhangers that punch you in the face!

I mean, does this one really need explanation? There are quite a few comics (many on this list) that use the “final page splash” to great effect in almost every single issue. The rush you get from experiencing these in a floppy is much different than when experiencing them in a trade. Actually, it doesn’t even come close.

Getting that “OMG I can’t wait for next month!” Soap Opera feeling!

Of the four I’ve listed here, I think this last one is probably the most important (although it is very closely related to the Cliffhanger thing). For me, it’s the most important factor in deciding whether or not to wait for the trade. I ask myself, as many of you probably do, “Can I go more than a month without reading about BLANK?!?” If you answer “NO!”, then you obviously have a great monthly in your hands!

With the pretentious explanations out of the way I present to you, in no particular order, my “Top Ten Comics That Work Best as Monthlies”:

ACTION COMICS by Geoff Johns & Gary Frank

I could NEVER read this comic in trade; I just love the characters too much! And the cliffhangers are the epitome of punch you in the face. There haven’t been many done-in-ones in the Johns run, but that’s okay, since at least half the comics on this list barely utilize that comic book storytelling device. But Johns does love the sub-plots, wherein he writes some of the best (or, THE best) character moments in comics. CONS: More done-in-ones would be nice.

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN by “The Spidey Brain Trust”

With the exception of the current arc, “New Ways To Die”, Brand New Day has been nothing but 1-, 2-, and 3-issue arcs filled with character, character, character… the Soap Opera mojo has been strong. Because of the weekly shipping schedule, the Spidey team has been using the last page splash to great effect. CONS: Actually, maybe there are too many characters? Sometimes it gets confusing.

CAPTAIN AMERICA by Ed Brubaker, Steve Epting & Luke Ross

All of the above? Without all the little Bucky character stuff, I would not be enjoying this book as much as I am. It’s funny, but to me, most issues of Captain America feel like single issue stories set in an epic tapestry whose true significance won’t be seen ‘til Brubaker ends his run. It’s one long, ongoing story that excites me month in and month out.

DEADPOOL by Daniel Way & Paco Medina

We’re two issues in and I’m in love. For now. Plot? What plot? If you’re looking for a story, you’re in the wrong place, duder. This is all about Deadpool. That’s it. Do you need to read issue one to understand issue two? Hell no! Enjoy the funny!

DETECTIVE COMICS by Paul Dini & Dustin Nguyen

Current master of the 1- or 2-part story (yeah, yeah, I know the RIP tie-in breaks the rules). Reading Detective for the last two years I remember more about Bruce sex life (obv lack thereof) than I do the details of any of the stories. And to me, that’s awesome writing. Dini has made Bruce likable. This is new, folks. Bruce Wayne as an actual character in comics? Not since pre-DKR, I would think, have we seen the identity of Bruce Wayne written as a real character. Ah no, I disagree with you, Morrison’s Wayne is a flimsy piece of cardboard. Maybe he had something at the beginning of his run, but fleshing out Batman’s alter ego took a back seat to RIP setup long ago, maybe around the time Adam Kubert left the book. Anyway, yes, Dini isn’t writing Batman, he’s writing Bruce Wayne as Batman. And there is a difference, and that difference is quite refreshing.

FANTASTIC FOUR by Mark Millar & Bryan Hitch

The character stuff is lacking, but the sub-plots, cliffhangers and OMG moments make this a top of the stack must-read. Here’s a recent review that reads more negative than it actually is.

GRAVEL by Warren Ellis, Mike Wolfer & Raulo Caceres

The way the current arc is framed, it works wonderfully as a series of single issue stories filled with scenes exploring the character of William Gravel. Oh, you know what? Thank God Ellis finally got around to fleshing this guy out. Gravel started life as a boringly hollow SAS thug who starred in a series of idea-driven minis. In those minis, there was never anything particularly exciting or compelling about the Gravel character and the fact of the matter is, I probably only read them because they were written by Ellis. Now, under the watchful eye of Mike Wolfer, I really grown to like this guy and each month I can’t wait to read Gravel’s next adventure. Shocking. That’s good stuff, brother.

HULK by Jeph Loeb & Ed McGuinness

Heh. I really do love this book. Honest. HA!

INVINCIBLE by Robert Kirkman & Cory Walker

Ever since the #51 reboot, this book has been one of the most anticipated monthlies in my stack. LOVING IT… happy now, Bruce?

JACK OF FABLES by Matthew Sturges & Bill Willingham

Awesome title character? CHECK!
Outstanding sub-plots? CHECK!
Cliffhangers? CHECK!
SOAP OPERA?!? TRIPLE CHECK!!!

Bruce Castle Presents: Brubaker Likes Women

Daredevil #111 (****)

I surprisingly enjoyed this issue. I still think Brubaker’s run is overrated, but there’s a lot to love here. How cool is Dakota North? She’s prominently featured within these pages and it seems she’ll be in DD’s life for awhile. Looking through the issue, the thing I enjoyed most were the supporting characters. Iron Fist is in here and Bullseye is too. It’s just a flashback, but I miss Bullseye in Daredevil comics. I don’t think this new Lady Bullseye will be a good substitute, but she’s not as dreadful as she could be. This issue was very enjoyable and I hope Brubaker will keep it up. It seems like this will be an intriguing arc. Plus Dakota North is in here. Did I mention my Dakota North love?

Captain America #42 (****1/2)

Billy’s on the money with this one. In fact, I think he stole my thoughts, knocked me out, and then wrote his review first. I didn’t even realize this was the end of the arc until all the crazy stuff started happening. But really, Brubaker should have revealed a little more. It’s been 42 issues and we’re still in the dark. The sad part is I don’t think anything will be revealed anytime soon. At least Batroc will be in the next few issues. Any true Captain America fan knows that Batroc is Captain America’s true archenemy. I don’t care that Red Skull is a Nazi! I should read this series in trade, but sadly I’m too invested after 42 issues. Oh, something that will distinguish my review from Billy’s? I don’t like Bucky. Screw Bucky! Everyone else is cool, but to hell with him. The reason why this is in the “badass women” category is because of Sharon Carter and actually Sin too. Also, how cool are the villains in this book? You actually want them to win! Anyway, this was an awesome issue and if you’re not reading this series, pick it up in trade. If you are reading this series, stay strong.

Spoiler Review: Captain America #42

Usually, I post the Captain America reviews the day a new issue releases, sometimes literally hours after it hits on the West Coast. But yesterday, after I finished the final part of “The Death of Captain America” epic, I kind of didn’t feel like writing anything. I didn’t want to say anything too negative about it. To say I was disappointed with the ending doesn’t come close to describing my feelings on the matter. So, I thought it best to wait and let the events of #42 sink in before putting anything to paper. Now, it’s been almost a day, and I think enough time has passed that I can finally throw down an objective review of this book. Or, I can at least try really super extra hard.

Alright, so many extraordinary/awesome/hilarious/spectacular moments this issue!!! Let’s run ‘em down!!!

The book opens with… Bucky doing what Captain America should be doing. Great, great, and great.

More zany dialogue between Zola and Red Skull.

Is that my baby? (Seriously, what the hell is she talking about?)

Sharon Carter summons the strength of ten Amazons to break free!

You’re a genius, Zola!

BLAM. You’re dead, dude.

Um… Crazy Cap freaks out! Murders Nazi-Bot!

Bucky blocks an RPG with his… SHIELD?!? WHOA. If that doesn’t make you Captain America, I don’t know what will.

Bucky takes the media stage as Captain America. Finally.

I’ll take care of Sharon, Steve would have wanted it that way… this, to me, is the start of the Sam/Sharon love affair. I feel like Brubaker has been hinting at this for years. No, I’m not crazy. The clues are there, people!!!

Bucky and Natasha… happy endings!!!

This isn’t my America…

Red Skull stuck?

Okay first, to the matter of the Red Skull’s fate. Is he stuck in that body for good, or will Zola show up soon to help him out of it? Ambiguous much?!? Yes, but a little logic will see us through. I believe that the Red Skull is indeed stuck in that robot body for the foreseeable future, and here’s why: Arnim Zola is truly dead (as dead as one can be in comics). Wait, you say? Doesn’t Zola always do that thing where he can jump into another robot body? What stopped him from doing that this time? Well, a very simple thing. Time. He didn’t have the time to transfer bodies. The “Crazy” Captain America got the drop on him, so Zola didn’t have the time to initiate the transfer… as established in an earlier issue (#38), Zola needs to manually initiate his transfers. So, Zola being dead means that there is no one to transfer the Red Skull’s consciousness out of his robot placeholder. Hence, the Red Skull is screwed in the most literal sense of the word.

…but what about Zola appearing on all those monitors at the end, talking to the Skull? A recording, obviously.

Now, here’s what upset me about this otherwise exciting and awesome issue: The “Lost” Syndrome. Seriously, it’s been almost two years since Cap died and over two years since the Red Skull’s plan was put into place… where the #### are my answers? Where the #### is the ####ing resolution? What was he trying to do with that time machine? Seriously!?! What the ###??? The issue was totally still a fun and well written read, and of course the art was amazing, but #### man, give us some answers Brubaker!!! And another thing, if this issue hadn’t been billed as the ultimate chapter in the “Death of Captain America” saga, I don’t think I would be as upset as I am right now. The quality of this comic ranks up there with the best issue of this series, but it’s the hype that kills it.

I’ve resigned myself to the obvious fact that Steve Rogers likely won’t make his return for another 20-30 issues, or near the end of Brubaker’s run. That’s fine. I can deal with that. It’s the biggest payoff of the series and it’s only right that it comes near or at the end. But at this point, halfway through (supposedly), it’s time for Brubaker to start answering some of those questions he’s posed over the last 41 issues. It’s ####ing time, man. Give us something! Anything! Don’t “Lost” us. Tell me about the baby! Tell me what that damn time machine was supposed to do! Tell me what the Skull’s endgame was!!! Seriously, if you wait too much longer, your loyal readers will stop caring. Sure, that will never happen to me, because I’m crazy, but not everyone is like me. Not every Cap reader has a Captain America shrine in their room.

BLAH. I hate being a fanboy, but sometimes it can’t be helped.

All bitching aside, I’m glad this chapter of the story is over and although it wasn’t completely satisfying I’m very much looking forward to the further adventures of Bucky Barnes as Captain America. Something tells me Brubaker has only just scracthed “the surface of awesome.”

Bruce Castle Presents: The Amazing X-Men!

Amazing Spider-Man #572 (****1/2)

Only one more issue left in this arc. I wouldn’t have guessed it when this story began, but I’m actually sad that I can’t read the conclusion until next month. New Ways to Die is topnotch entertainment drawn beautifully by JRJR. It’s so great to see John Romita Jr. back on Spidey. He gets to invent some new characters too which is always cool. Dan Slott also deserves praise. Slott writes Spidey extremely well, but he handles every character with care. Who the heck if this Freak character? Was he always this creepy and crazy or is this more of Romita’s brilliance? We get a cool Bullseye fight, Anti-Venom is further developed, and crazy old stormin’ Norman has some fun too. There may even be some more pleasant surprises, but I don’t want to spoil anything. Go read the issue yourself. This arc gets better and better.

Uncanny X-Men #502 (**)

Uneven would be the word to describe this issue and maybe even the arc. Fraction and Brubaker have worked well together before but something is wrong. They seem to have conflicting opinions. Half of this issue is light hearted and the other half is disturbing. There’s more pointless S&M and even an unnecessary torture scene. Surely Scott knows Emma’s powers right? So, I guess this is just more sadism? Speaking of Emma Frost, apparently she has a tertiary mutation now. The power to turn into Lolo Ferrari (You kiddies at home can turn to page ten in your comic and then Google Lolo Ferrari)! While we’re on the subject of large knockers, Dazzler seems to have quite a pair in this issue as well. This leads to my critique of Land’s art. I’ve always enjoyed his work, but this is the first time I’ve felt dirty while viewing it. A big part of that is the subject matter (Who knows? Cup size may be in the script!), but he should share the blame with Fracker (The best combination of Fraction and Brubaker yet!). I really want to like this comic, but Fracker (I had to say it again) make it hard.

Bruce Castle Presents: Iron Man VS Daredevil!

Ultimate Iron Man 2 #5 (***)

The last issue came out five months ago. How stupid is that? It missed out on all the Iron Man movie hype. I certainly had to read the recap and I still couldn’t really remember much about the previous issues. Kick-Ass also came out this week. It had been quite awhile since that last issue and yet I remembered almost everything about it. That pretty much lets you know about the quality of this mini. There isn’t much of a resolution to this story. This makes 10 issues now of Card’s Ultimate Iron Man and yet the Iron Man at the end of this story still isn’t the Iron Man in Ultimates. So, are there still going to be more of these? But this isn’t a bad issue or even a bad mini-series. It’s even possible that if you read the whole thing back to back, without the 5 month gap, this could be pretty good. This is still well-written. Just about all the characters are intriguing. Ferry’s art gets the job done and it surpasses mediocre. So if you’ve been thinking about picking this up in trade, it certainly isn’t bad and it’s even a bit entertaining, just be prepared for the lack of resolution. Who knows? After Card writes five more of these it may actually link to the current Ultimate Iron Man.

Daredevil #110 (****1/2)

This is the conclusion of Brubaker’s best arc on Daredevil. I suppose this arc isn’t so impressive on the surface, but it was executed flawlessly. This has been a compelling mystery with the ongoing Daredevil theme of redemption. Daredevil’s self centered masochistic nature is examined and he is told by the people he cares about to snap out of it. The supporting characters play a strong role here without overshadowing Matt. Michael Lark and Stefano Gaudiano handle the art chores wonderfully. They’re always up to the task, whether that be a gritty action sequence or a complex dual narrative. Both of those appear in this issue I might add. What was in some ways the strongest part of this story was Daredevil overcoming some of his flaws, restoring a sense of positivity that isn’t often seen within the pages of Daredevil. That was quite refreshing. If Rucka is indeed responsible for this shift in tone as I suspect he is, I will be truly sad to find his writing absent next issue.

Foilball’s Review Roundup #48

100 Bullets #94 (****)

It’s so difficult to review a comic that’s part 94 of 100, so I’m not even going to try. The reason I’m spotlighting this baby is simple: Lono vs. Dizzy… FIGHT!!! This is like, 70 issues in the making and we don’t even get to see who wins??? You’re killing me! My money’s on Dizzy. She’s too hot to lose! Too cold to hold!

The Boys #21 (*****)

This could be the best issue in the series and The Boys aren’t even in it. We finally get the scoop about this world’s 9/11 and SHIT, it’s a doozy, folks. So, the Legend reveals that the Seven are a bunch of super cluster####s who in the process of saving the day killed a whole bunch of people on a plane. And then, out government covered it up. Oh, also, someone close to Butcher was killed in the tragedy. Man, no wonder he hates these bastards. The thing I like so much about this series, despite the heavy-handed political messaging, is how honest Ennis is with his characters, and by extension, his readers. Ennis’ super folk are just like us. The things they do to the normal people in this book are the type of things normal people would do if they were suddenly granted super powers. These guys are human first, heroes second. This makes them not just noble, but petty, cruel and most importantly, weak. I don’t read this as Ennis’ disdain for the human race as a whole, but only for that corrupt minority that makes like miserable for the reasonably good-natured majority. So, in conclusion: I love this book. I love it because it plays fair. It’s the type of comic I wish I could write, but I’m glad someone more talented than me is actually pulling it off.

Criminal #4 (*****)

New story! So there’s this dude, used to be a counterfeiter, among other things, and then one day he gets caught up with this sultry little number, who steals his entire pathetic little stash, but that’s okay, because at least it was fun, but she ain’t through with him yet, because, out of the blue, after a few weeks, her boyfriend shows up to kick his teeth in, only, not really, the dude overreacts which kind of forces this pissed off boyfriend thug type to beat on him, into unconsciousness, and when he wakes, brother, the girl is back and she’s been telling tales, because thug boyfriend wants this dude to hook a hiim up with some fake FBI badges… oh snap, just another Criminal tale!

The Walking Dead #51 (****1/2)

No, that rating ain’t no mistake. Issue #51 was solid from start to finish. Kirkman really surprised me with this one. The phone thing caught me completely off guard. I was expecting it to be the missing prison people, but no, I was totally bamboozled. And then the end, that little bit where Rick goes back for the phone? That was heartbreak. I wanted to cry, but then I remembered that I’m a dude, and dudes don’t cry. So instead, I gave a little grunt and a sigh.

Young Liars #6 (*****)

HOLY SHIT, SADIE KILLS A ROOM FULL OF BAD GUYS AND THEN DANNY TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF?!!? How does this book keep topping itself? I was worried there for a minute, since before we hit those last few pages, the story seemed to be winding down. And then… bam-bam-bam-bam! EXPLOSION OF AWESOME!!! To save money, I should definitely switch over to trades, but I love the idea that each of these issues is like a single off a record. Owning the floppies feels mandatory.

Quick Hits:
• Buffy The Vampire Slayer #17 (***): Uh, who are all these characters? I’M SO LOST!!! I shouldn’t have to read or reread the Fray series, Joss! Introduce your fracking characters! Oh, and O-B-V the dark and mysterious chick is Willow… DUH!!! This surprises no one, Mr. Whedon. BE BETTER, damn it.
• Eternals #3 (***1/2): The story takes a slight dip as we slow down to get a dose of Celestials back-story, but most of it is interesting so I’ll give them a pass. Plus, I’m not stupid enough to think it’s unnecessary. Stuff’s gonna git ‘uge, fellars! We gots to be prepare’d with the learnings and the bed timey stories.
• Green Lantern Cops #27 (***): Why does the art feel so dated? I like Luke Ross. Why does this suck? The story was fine. Boring, but fine. And then we get eyeball rain. WOOO!
• Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas #2 (**): Late books! Not gonna lie, this comic stinks.
• Jack of Fables #24 (**): This will probably be remembered as the worst issue of Jack in the entire run. It was boring, I was bored. The climax was the epitome of anti-climax. About the only thing I did like was the part where the kid gets his fingers bitten off. Other than that, it felt like the story went one issue too long, as if Bill and Matthew were as bored with it as I was. Still, good art, a nice Bolland cover and a page of Babe at the end, so I can’t complain too much.
• Spawn #181 (***): This was just weird, or oddly paced. The story definitely feels rushed here. Oh, I wonder why. McFarlane is returning to the book. Yay.
• The Twelve #7 (****): Yes! Phantom Reporter guy might actually do something about all the evil shit going down! Good for you, dude. Took you long enough. Also, the parallels JMS draws between Captain America and Captain Wonder where very cool, especially the stuff pertaining to their respective sidekicks… although, I doubt Bucky would off himself if faced with the same situation as Tim. Bucky’s too cool to commit suicide.
• Wonder Woman #23 (**1/2): Maybe this issue redeems this arc, maybe it doesn’t. Honestly? I could give a shit at this juncture. Bring on the next arc!

NOTE: The scanner works! Scans will return next week! Rejoice!

Bruce Castle Presents: Tough Guys

Captain America #41 (****1/2)

I’m happy to report that this issue delivers the same excellence I’ve come to expect from Brubaker’s Captain America. As you may know if you visit this site often, my fellow reviewer Billy really loves this book. He already wrote a review of this issue complete with cool scans the day it came out. So, I don’t have too much to offer. All I’ll say is that I really enjoyed this issue. If you aren’t reading this series, you owe it to yourself to pick up the first trade. Be prepared, you may get hooked.

Conan #2 (****)

It’s a little funny that the first story from this new Conan series isn’t about Conan. It’s about Conan’s grandfather, Connacht. You may remember him from Conan Vol. 0: Born on the Battlefield. If not, then I recommend you read it. Not to understand this issue, but because I liked that story. In addition to Conan, the regular artist, Tomas Giorello, takes a backseat to give Richard Corben a moment to shine. If you’re familiar with Heavy Metal at all, you may know Corben’s work. Corben’s simplistic and gory style fits the tale of Connocht incredibly well. This issue was very good and it’s nice to read about Conan’s relatives. It looks like Corben will be involved with the next three Conan issues at least. Are they building to something? Will Conan meet the present Connacht? I don’t know, but I’m eager to find out!

 

Punisher #61 (***1/2)

No more Tim Bradstreet covers. I forgot to mention that in my review of the last issue. Bradstreet’s covers were the unsung hero of Ennis’ run. Trying to move on was the definite theme in my feelings for this issue. I tried very hard not to compare this issue to Ennis’ work. I tried to keep an open mind, but it was hard. Still, even with that hindrance, I enjoyed this issue. The art in this series was always overshadowed by the writing, but it really was quite good. This issue’s artist, Laurence Campbell, continues to give the book that cinematic feeling. His widescreen panels were very impressive. That, coupled with Hurwitz’ western styled story, made me feel like I was watching a Clint Eastwood movie. My main complaint is that Hurwitz doesn’t seem to know how to handle Frank yet. Punisher’s narrative seemed a bit off. Hurwitz is still new to the character though. I’m confident that in time, he may write some great Punisher stories. It looks like the future of this series won’t be as bleak as I once thought.

Bruce Castle Presents: Would You Like Your Comic Ultimate, Dark, or Uncanny?

Ultimate Fantatsic Four #57 (-)

This is the price you pay for reading every ultimate title no matter how bad it is. Is anyone still reading this? Doesn’t Mike Carey write X-Men well? So why is his 25 issue run on this book so bad? Did Joe Q tell Carey “hey, Loeb is going to kill this sucker in a few years so just write some BS”? I don’t know, but thankfully he’s finally off the book. Joe Pakaski is replacing him. Pakaski is currently writing SI Inhumans and I really liked the first issue. He also writes for the TV show Heroes. Aron Coleite is currently writing Ultimate X-Men and I like what he’s done with it. Aron also writes for Heroes. Next month, there will be two Ultimate FF/X-Men annuals written by these guys! Isn’t that cool? Will Peter Petrelli show up? Stay tuned!

Dark Ivory #3 (*****)

Ok, I’m bias when it comes to this. Let me explain. I love Joseph Michael Linsner’s art. His art style isn’t for everyone, but I adore it. Linsner rarely does interiors sadly. The last time he did was about two years ago and before that it was three years ago I believe. Oh, and Dark Ivory #2 came out in May. So, I rarely get to see his art in comics, but it’s always a special treat when I do. He’s writing this issue as well. This is a pretty good story. It’s a gothic vampire yarn with a LInsner twist. It looks gorgeous and Linsner definitely writes for his art. This book isn’t nearly as thought provoking as Dawn, but it’s still enjoyable. I would definitely recommend that everyone should take a peak and see if Linsner’s art is for you. If it is, great! If not, unless you really love tales about gothic teenage vampires, you may want to skip this one.

Uncanny X-Men #501 (**1/2)

This is a hard book to review. I’m so conflicted. I love the art. I’ve always been a fan of Greg Land’s work. Apparently his style is a love or hate kind of thing, but I really enjoy it. Ok, so I like the art, I like Fraction, and I like just about anything Hellfire. However, this issue bugged me. It seems that whenever something occurs that I enjoy, there will be something bad right around the corner. There are many character moments that I really liked. They were written well and felt realistic. But, the main villain is an S&M nightmare. This book is trying to be so serious. It includes lover’s quarrels, masochism, and brutality. I guess what bothered me the most was the villain’s attire and the literal act of S&M in an X-Men comic complete with “I’m sorry mistress, I’m sorry”. I’m usually open to this kind of stuff. I’ve read about rape, cannibalism, and even necrophilia in my comics before, but it just seems incredibly inappropriate in an X-Men comic.

Spoiler Review: Captain America #41

EXCITING STUFFS THAT EXISTED THIS WEEK IN CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!

Actually, you should be investing in the Amero.

Red Skull is running out of “time”…

As your doctor, I suggest you take the blue pill. It has a powerful antihistamine.

Gone, baby, gone…

…but, how about a shiny new SHIELD tracking device as a consolation prize?

…AND, some much needed therapy.

Faustus shaves… NO, DON’T DO IT!

Well, the Magnum look does make him sexier, I guess.

Plans are revealed!

The BEST Arnim Zola panel EVER! OMG, look at his big-stupid-disappointed face! LOVE IT!

And last, but not least, the final page splash. Gotta be honest, I yelped for joy on this one.

So, it’s confirmed. Arnim Zola, using reverse engineered Doom tech, has created a Time Platform, and next issue, Red Skull plans to use it to—this is awesome. To some people, time travel is one of the biggest cheats in the metaphorical book, but in this case, I would say that Brubaker and crew have sufficiently paid for it. It’s been almost two years since Dr. Doom gave the Red Skull that mysterious cylindrical mechanism, and it’s high time Brubaker collected on that particular plot device. So, what is the plan? Bring back the real Steve Rogers only to torture him? This has been done before, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t still work in the context of this story. The jury-rigged time machine ain’t the only thing Red Skull had Zola build. Apparently he also designed some kind of machine to pull the Red Skull’s mind out of Lukin’s brain. If that is true, then where, pray tell, is Red Skull going? Perhaps into the body of a time displaced Steve Rogers? Again, this has happened before, in a way. Red Skull inhabited a clone of Steve for a time, way back in the day. Ah, but here’s a thought. In this issue, Faustus tells Sharon that she’s lost her baby… what if this is a lie? What if, and this is weird, what if Red Skull plans to take the fetus and accelerate its age (much like he did for his daughter, Sin) and then transfer his mind into the baby? WHAT!?!? Yeah, I know. Ridiculous! But, still interesting…

Next issue promises to be the conclusion of the Death of The Dream story, 42 issues in the making. I’m sure it’ll be fantastic. What’s Brubaker got in store for the next 42 issues? Even greater hotness, no doubt.

Review/RANT: Uncanny X-Men #500

WHAT A ### OF ### ### YOU, BRUBAKER AND FRACTION! I HOPE YOUR ### OF A MOTHER ### GETS ### AND ### DIES… and here’s why!

First, the new X-Mansion…

Hmm, ok. Looks… is stupid the right word?

Really? Just how exactly are you keeping this shit a secret? You already told the entire world where you live, stupid!

Built by whom? The actual US Military or independent contractors!? Have they all been cleared by “X-Security”? as if the US Military would allow your asses to build to “military spec”…

Beast? STFU with the Al Gore agenda! Go die, tree-hugging scum! I find it very hard to believe that the X-Men are concerned with global warming; it just boggles the mind that a group of walking atomic bombs are talking about saving the planet by going green. What about all the property damage you guys cause every time you suit up to fight the “bad guys”? You think that shit doesn’t increase the size of your carbon footprint exponentially? And don’t even get me started on how idiotic it is when super heroes choose a political affiliation. UGH!!!

Um, can I ask yet another question? Why do the writers feel the need to rub our noses in this shit? Yes, the X-Men have money, but here they come off like spoiled rich bastards. This is not a reasonable way for the writers to endear a fundamentally difficult to identify with group of characters with their readers. This is just plain insulting. I don’t envy them, I hate them. “Nice clubhouse, and also… fuck you.”

So, throughout the first few pages of this book, we are led to believe that the “new” X-Men are all about the Liberal agenda, but then as soon as they are confronted with something that personally offend them, they literally go wild shit crazy, demanding that said offensive material be removed from public display. Hmm, I thought the X-Men were always about tolerance.

Now, it occurs to me that perhaps Brubaker and Fraction are trying to cleverly point out the hypocrisy of these X-Men, or the inherent hypocrisy of anyone proclaiming to be utterly tolerant of his fellow man. Well, I’m not buying that, and I’ll explain why when we get closer to the end…

Oh, speaking of intolerance…

Yes, that is an X-Man saying that. Which X-Man is literally anyone’s guess seeing as how every single one that appears in this issue is written horribly out of character.

So, that crack about the wheelchair is offensive, but one of your team using the word “retard” is okay? Hello, Hypocrisy, I’d like you to meet Emma Frost and her friend, Scott Summers. Once more, we have a stunning example of the X-Men as “Role Models for Tolerance”.

…and back to my suggestion that Fraction and Brubaker are somehow trying to point out the X-Men’s hypocrisy? Yeah, not so much. In order for that to be true, the X-Men’s paranoia would have to have been shown as a gross overreaction. No, instead, the writers decide to prove them right. So, class, are you paying attention? It’s okay to destroy or deface “art” if you don’t agree with it. Got it? Sure, they put on a good show, after all, Magneto is attacking again… which in and of itself screams Dues ex Machina, seeing as how Magneto is supposed to be de-powered… and of course he needs to be put down by any means necessary, and if that means destroying some decommissioned Sentinels, which happen to be private property, so be it. “But, but, but, but we need him for the big issue 500 extravaganza!” Shut. Up. Cheap tricks, guys. Very, very cheap.

…sigh. Really? More on this so soon? PUSH THE AGENDA!!!

Yeah, I know, but I just couldn’t leave it out. I mean, I gave the “letting your freak flag” line a pass. What do you want, I’m human!

Shut up, pornstar-Storm. Although, the self-righteous thing is definitely a part of her character, so fine.

Angel takes out a Sentinel all by himself… NO.

As if you weren’t thinking of doing the same thing, Scott!!!

Magneto is dead-on here, and I’m hoping the writers have a plan to use this later. Maybe they really are trying to shame the X-Men? We’ll see.

Oh, great! You mean the sanctimonious X-Fascists are building an army to impose their pseudo-tolerant worldview? SWEET! Can’t wait to read more about the X-Men’s adventures in the Fourth Reich! I can totally see them changing the title of Young X-Men to “X-Youth” any day now.

(I kid, of course.)

I’m done now, I think. I said enough inflammatory things and maybe I should quit while I’m ahead (and perhaps I’m not even that). I leave you with this bit of nonsense: