Warning: This is not for the easily offended. That James Robinson is quite the perv. Anyway, here’s the original script in it’s entirity:
(Scene: Gotham City – the city of corruption and carnival treats.)
Ollie: Damn, Hal! You sure told those bitches off!
Hal: Fuck yeah! I rule.
Ollie: I could sure go for a funnel cake right now.
Hal: Gotham City - Land of corruption and fried dough. I have a confession to make.
Ollie: If it involves you getting Huntress and Lady Blackhawk drunk and taking advantage of them, I’m all ears.
Hal: You know I shagged them!
Ollie: I know. All the boys at the Hall of Justice were talking about it. Those Birds of Prey are easy once you get a few drinks in ‘em. Even Metamorpho got freaky with the one in a wheelchair.
Hal: Mmmmm. She’s a red head. You know what they say about red heads…
Ollie: So, who was the best lay?
Hal: Let me think. There have been so many. You’d think it would be Power Girl. But she just kind of lays there.
Ollie: The chesty ones always do. And then they expect you to be all grateful cause they let you squeeze their boobs.
Hal: But what a rack, am I right?
Ollie: High five, bro!
Hal: I think the best had to be Big Barda. Once you’ve gone New God, you can never go back.
Hal: And then there was Misfit. Sure, she’s young. But if there’s grass on the field!
Ollie: You old horndog! Are there any Birds of Prey you haven’t fucked?
Hal: Hell to the no! I’ve fucked ‘em all. Sometimes two at a time. One time the blonde in fishnets went down on me while Manhunter watched. Let me tell you something, she was the freakiest one of all.
Ollie: The blonde in fishnets?!?
Hal: Yeah, what was her name? It’s on the tip of my toungue…
Ollie: You mean Black Canary?!?
Hal: Yeah, that’s it! That girl’s a screamer, let me tell you.
Ollie: You fucked my wife?!?
Hal: Shit, you married that bitch?
Ollie: I know! What was I thinking?
Hal: Still bros?
Ollie: Forever and for always.
Hal: God, I hated Bruce Wayne.
Ollie: I know. What a prick!
Hal: I’m glad he’s dead. I mean, I respected him and all.
Ollie: Sure. I hear he screwed Catwoman.
Hal: Catwoman’s no big deal. You know they’re fake, right?
Hal: How can you not know Catwoman’s boobs are fake? Bruce bought her those so he wouldn’t feel like he was stuffing Robin.
(Scene: Two characters no one cares about are fighting on an island for no good reason.)
Congorilla: I hate you.
Starman: I’m totally going to kill you!
Congorilla: Not if I kill you first.
Starman: I’m tired. Wanna take a nap?
Congorilla: Sounds lovely. Let’s be friends.
Starman: But, our scene isn’t over.
Congorilla: I guess we could kill time talking about drinks.
Starman: Odds are nobody’s reading our scene anyway. Who the fuck are we and what are we doing on the Justice League?
(Scene: Back on the rooftop.)
Hal: Wah! I’m cold.
Ollie: Hal, you have a power ring. You fly in space. How can your ass possibly be cold?
Hal: Oh, I forgot.
Ollie: I think someone’s on this rooftop with us.
Hal: Is it Jason Bard, Batman’s private detective?
(Wonder Woman steps from the shadows.)
Wonder Woman: Hello, boys. I heard what you were saying earlier about some of my friends. So I thought I’d drop in an see what all the fuss was about.
Hal: Hell yeah. I always wanted to bag me an Amazon princess.
(Wonder Woman reaches for her lasso.)
Ollie: Ooooo. Kinky.
(Wonder Woman wraps the lasso around Hal.)
Hal: Hey lady, I’m not into sausage parties!
Wonder Woman: Now that you are bound in my lasso, you will be compelled to tell the truth.
Hal: Oh shit!
Wonder Woman: Have you ever had sex with any of the women you were talking about?
Wonder Woman: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Ollie: Fight it, Hal!
Hal: (sobbing) N-n-n-never!
Wonder Woman: Have you ever had sexual relations with anyone?
Ollie: Don’t answer, Hal!
Hal: “Green Arrow” and I are lovers! Black Canary is just a beard. Ollie pays her to keep up appearances. Every now and then, she lets him rescue her so he can look good.
Wonder Woman: I thought so. I’ll see you at the next League briefing.
(Wonder Woman puts away her lasso and flies away.)
Hal: Are you mad, pretty bird?
Ollie: You know I can’t quit you, Hal.
(Scene: Ray Palmer feels sorry for himself at the Flash Museum.)
Jay Garrick: What the fuck am I doing in this book. I’m so out of here?
(Jay runs off to appear in a far better title.)
Ray Palmer: The universe hates Ray Palmer.
Ryan Choi: Hey, Ray Palnmer. I just dropped by to make sure everyone knows you’re still the Atom. Not me.
Ray Palmer: You’re a hero, Ryan. I’m just Ray Palmer.
Ryan Choi: Well, I’ve said all I’m allowed to say. I’m leaving never to be seen in a comic again until Geoff Johns needs someone to kill off in a crossover. Remember, Ray Palmer is the Atom now.
Ray Palmer: Ray Palmer is sad.
(Freddy Freeman shpows up.)
Freddy: Hi, Ray Palmer.
Ray Palmer: Ray Palmer knows you from a long-forgotten attempt to reboot the Teen Titans. Ray Palmer explains continuity only to dismiss it as unimportant.
Freddy: You’re a hell of a guy, Ray Palmer.
Ray Palmer: Why does flying boy come to see Ray Palmer?
Freddy: Well, Ray Palmer, I just realized I’m in this freaking book. So I figured I’d better show up eventually. I beat Supergirl, didn’t I?
Ray Palmer: Ray Plamer wishes flying boy would not give away last page.
Ryan Choi: Look, Ray Palmer, if everyone is just going to go on calling you “Ray Palmer” do you think maybe I could keep the name, the Atom!
Freddy: Look behind you, Ryan.
Ryan: Oh good god it’s Geoff Johns!
(Geoff Johns rips Ryan Choi to pieces and makes a hat out of his bloody caracass,
Geoff Johns: Read Green Lantern!
Ray Palmer: Ray Palmer miss rare ethnic character in comics already.
(Scene: Hal and Ollie are blocking traffic with a pile of knocked-out bad guys.)
Hal: I didn’t even break a sweat.
Ollie: That’s because we’re so awesome and they are so lame.
Hal: Kiss me, you fool!
(Ray Palmer and Freddy Freeman arrive.)
Ollie: What are you guys doing here?
Freddy: It’s almost the last page of the second issue. Eventually, we have to be in the same place so we can all cry for justice or something.
Ollie: When you say “justice” I get moist.
Hal: You stay away. He’s mine!
(The Javelin awakens and throws a javelin at the jealous lovers.)
(Close-up of Supergirl’s heaving bosom as the javelin shatters on her boobs. Make sure you get a close-up of those teen boobs or I swear to god I will kill someone at DC! I demand teenage boobies!)
Supergirl: Who throws a javelin? Really!
Freddy: This must be the last page…
Supergirl (striking a pose) No, THIS is the last page.
(Make sure that on that last page we are looking up Supergirl’s skirt as much as possible.)