Review: Ultimate X-Men #94

New writer, Aron Coleite! New Artist, Mark Brooks! JUMPING ON POINT!!! I don’t know what it is, but all of a sudden, Ultimate X-Men is fun again. Maybe it’s because, for the most part, Kirkman ended his atrocious run on a high note… and then this new creative team comes around and pitches a story I can really sink my teeth into. I think what I like best about this new “status quo” is that all the classic Ultimate X-Men are back in book as main characters. Cool guys like Nightcrawler and Beast. Anyway, this issue opens with a look at Colossus’s childhood: All he ever wanted was to be a Super Hero.

Now, he’s living on a farm with his dad, milking cows when all of a sudden his origin story shows up in the form of the Russian mobster, Anatol Spichkin (whose true plot significance shall be revealed later in the book). Jeez, what a way to find out you’re bulletproof, huh? Too bad the cow had to die. Fast forward to the present:

Good Lord, Logan! Firestar can’t be more than 15, ya’ perv! Will this joke ever get old? Whatever, it still makes me laugh every time he does it. Also, Aron displays some tight continuity here. Liz only just joined the X-Men and she’s already on the baseball team. I approve.

Love me some Ultimate Nightcrawler. His actions and hate speech succinctly reveals what’s wrong with most of the fervently religious peoples: hypocritical intolerance. Speaking of…

Maybe Wolvie’ll hit on some of that underage Jubilee action. Heh heh heh. Anyway, back on topic (that topic being homoerotic super hero teams or teams that are named “Alpha Flight”), these guys look ludicrous! But in a good way! What the hell is Guardian wearing? Those red bulb thingies look like police lights… RED LIGHT SPECIAL! So, Alpha Flight shows up and Wolver-Douche is immediately like, “Ah, my bad, I screwed these guys over once and now they’re back to take their revenge… I think.” Although a plausible explanation (who hasn’t he screwed over?), Guardian quickly attempts to explain that they are NOT in fact hear for Logan—TOO LATE!

I mean, crazy canucklehead attacks, you gotta respond with force, right? Wrong! That love tap is enough to start the mother of all splash page brawls, initiated by the ever hot-headed Cyclops. I wish 616 Cyclops was this badass… well, he is when Joss is writing him. Le sigh.

100 pages of fight scene later…

Aurora is looking FIERCE right here, noe-whut-a’m-sang?!

Surprisingly, (its Alpha Flight, if they manage to successfully dress themselves in the morning I’m surprised) AF kicks the SHIT out of the X-Men. Badasses that they are, they retreat to their flying spaceship and make jokes at the X-Men’s expense. Hah, my kind of douche-baggery. Well, Colossus isn’t laughing.

…too bad the rest of the X-Men are unconscious at the time. Later, Cyclops tries to calm the visibly upset Peter. Shit, they did just kidnap his boyfriend. Nuh-uh, the big C ain’t having it. And you know what? He’s EFFing A right! If it was Jean, they’d probably even call the Ultimates and the fricking Lametastic Four! Word, bro! Gay discrimination, yo! Okay, let’s go kick some Canadian ass… oh snap, the Alpha Flighters are gods now? Drug addicts, anyway.

Alpha Flight is on drugs… Colossus calls discrimination on his fellow X-Men… when did this turn into an after school special?!? I’m loving it! And if that wasn’t enough issues for our teenaged titans to deal with, Jean decides to take moral matters in hand.

Cyclops serves it up fresh.

Have we learned nothing from the terrible example Xavier set? Well, no, and thank God, because then how the crap would the plot move forward?

Colossus is an addict. Hmm. This whole time. For 94 issues. Hmm. Justifications and misplaced righteous indignation behind the link.

It might be offensive to say, but I’m saying it anyway. Jean Grey is a #####. Again, I approve.

Which brings us to the next plot beat (there’ve been so many! Bendis should be taking notes), Cyclops grows a pair. And then Petey is like, “Dude, welcome to the party!”

Ugh, is that Ultimate Beak? At least Brooks makes him look cool… pfft!

Lots of poking fun, but I really did enjoy this issue. I feel like finally, X-Men can be good again. Let’s hope Aron and the writers that eventually take over after this can build on the good feelings established in this arc.

Crap, I really hope Ultimate FF is the book that gets axed after Ultimatum and not this one.

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5 Responses to Review: Ultimate X-Men #94

  1. That is not Beak, but Angel, with the super drug stuff. That is why everybody is all pumped up (Nightcrawler’s weird dagger stuff and barbed tail, Rogue’s metal skin and wings and Dazzler’s tentacle shoulders).

    Yes, Brooks is awesome. Some stuff is cool. If they hadn’t just f*&^ed over Colossus, I would have been fine.

    And how did he keep that from Xavier and Jean before this? Seriously! For Wolverine killing Cyclops (attempting, fine), Jean could read his mind slightly, even though it was supposed to be damn near impossible. But Colossus is able to keep the drugs never on his mind? What about Weapon X? Did he have them then? Sigh…

  2. foilball08 says:

    see, i kind of thought maybe that was a shot of the X-Men on drugs… but i think it was too shocking a scene to register properly. like, if that is them on drugs… WOW. they all made that decision rather quickly.

    this book is even more ridiculous than i thought! :)

  3. How amusing. The cover to this issue led me to believe that Ultimate X-Men was doing a crappy retread of the Legacy Virus. I may have to pick this book up again now that Kirkman is gone.

    “I know Cap. You’re no Cap.”

    Seriously, Wolverine? #### you! With all of the murderers on the team a mildly-reasonable drug addiction shouldn’t bother anyone. Sigh.

    Ultimate Aurora IS fierce, perhaps even tranny fierce. Props to Mark Brooks for not making Ultimate Snowbird blonde and white. Hooray for diversity.

  4. foilball08 says:

    re: Legacy Virus… i thought the same thing!

    dude, there’s so much hypocrisy in this issue. loving it!

  5. boobookittypenis says:

    seriously? what the fuck? ultimate x-men will never be as good as it was with mark millar. bendis kinda did a good job….but that gritty modern feeling will never come back. all they do now is re-do storylines with cooler costumes. even when they start new original stories they fuck with continuity. colossus has been using the drug since the beginning? UGHHGHGHGHGH. this is why i dont read comics! i just cant stand the dickery they put their fans through.

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